Song of the Lioness: Reader
by Anne Boleyn
Summary: It is what it says it is. An irreverant, whimsical, satirical parody of the great Tamora Pierce's greatest series...Song of the Lioness. Crazy, crude, and hysterically funny it is. Speaking like Yoda I am. Rated PG13 for language. HIATUS
1. Alanna: The First Adventure: Reader's Di...

Alanna: The First Adventure--Reader's Digest Edition

Disclaimer: Sorry…this is so irreverent.  But I love it to death.  Anyhoo, Tammy owns all of this, yada yada yada…

A CASTLE in the North

LORD ALAN

I am determined to make my

children's lives miserable.  You will

never see me again.

ALANNA

I hate you.  I'm going to totally

defy you and do whatever the hell I want.

THOM 

Ditto that.

A HALLWAY in the CASTLE in the North

ALANNA

Screw this.  I want to be a knight.

Even though I'm a girl.

THOM

Notice how I now so hint

towards the future.

ALANNA

Ditto that.

MAUDE'S PLACE in the VILLAGE

MAUDE

Did you know I hate you?

THOM

Who gives?  Just get on with the freaky fire

thing you're about to do.

MAUDE starts a FIRE with VERVAIN

ALANNA

Wow.  A black city in the middle of a fire.

This isn't foreshadowing or anything.

MAUDE

Ok, cool.  Y'all have your way.

ALANNA'S BEDROOM where MAUDE is cutting ALANNA'S HAIR

MAUDE

Notice how I make total reference to

your future life.

ALANNA

Who gives?

MAUDE

You are blessed by the Goddess.

ALANNA

Uhm…so?

On the ROAD TO CORUS

CORAM

Why me?  

THOM

I'm in a dress and no one has noticed.

ALANNA

Wouldn't be the first time.

MAUDE

Ok, "Alanna," let's go.

MAUDE AND THOM head for the CITY OF THE GODS, while ALANNA AND CORAM go to CORUS.

ALANNA

Hey, Coram, guess who!

CORAM

Shit.  I am now going to get drunk.

ALANNA saves CORAM from a SNAKE.  They go to an INN.

CORAM

Wow, I'm hung over.  When do

I get to beat the crap out of those two?

ALANNA

You don't.  Call me Alan.

CORAM

Ok, fine by me.

CORUS MARKETPLACE

CORAM

Yo, Alanna, stay away from him.

GEORGE

I am not important to the plot at all.

ALANNA

You know I'm not going to listen, right?

GEORGE

I'll see you later!  Bye!

THE PALACE

DUKE GARETH

I am very intimidating and imposing.

ALANNA

I'm not fazed.

DUKE GARETH

So, Alan, have fun.  I shall see you later when

I see fit to yell at you for doing something bad.

ALANNA

Uhm, cool?

CORAM

Don't say "cool" to a duke!

THE PAGES' WING

RALON

I'm going to randomly pick a fight with you.

We shall be enemies.

ALANNA

Fuck off.

JONATHAN

Ralon, you ass, I hate you.  Get lost.

Hey, Alan.  Wanna be my new best friend?

ALANNA

Sure.

GARY

Tight.  I'll sponsor you.

ALANNA

Huh?  Uhm, yeah, sure.  Whatever.

ALEX

Notice how I stand menacingly in the background.

That's not foreshadowing or anything.

RAOUL

Hey, shut up.  You're ruining the book.

THE PAGES' CLASSROOMS

ALANNA

Wow, this is boring.

GARY

Yeah.  It just gets worse.  Did I mention my father

is the duke you met earlier?

RANDOM MATHEMATICS TEACHER

Hey, learn algebra!

ALANNA

This sucks.

MYLES'S CLASSROOM

MYLES

Hello.  I am the one teacher the pages actually like.

Note the good posture in my room.

ALANNA

Hey, he's funny!  I bet he'll be a major

character later on!

ALEX

So will I!  Notice my skulking about!

THE FIGHTING COURTS

RANDOM FIGHTING MASTER

Work hard, and you'll do well.

ALANNA

Well, this sucks.

ALANNA'S BEDROOM

CORAM

What's wrong?

ALANNA

I'm going to whine and bitch a lot.

I want to go home!

CORAM

Coward.

ALANNA

Fine, I'll stay!

DUKE GARETH'S OFFICE

DUKE GARETH

Notice me looking quite imposing here!

Alan, you can go into the city.

ALANNA

Cool!  Can Gary come with me?  

For foreshadowing purposes, of course?

DUKE GARETH

Yeah, why not?

THE CITY

GARY

Uhm, this is boring.  We need to add another character.

Enter GEORGE.

GEORGE

Hey, we meet again.  This proves that I am an essential

plot element.  Note my cleverly done "city accent."

ALANNA

Hey, what's up?

GEORGE

Hey, guess what!  I'm the King of Thieves!

ALANNA

Way cool.

GARY

Good.  Now we have introduced the "rebellious but

still protagonistic" character.

GEORGE

You just need a villain.  And is "protagonistic"

a word?

ALANNA

No, but it sounds good.

Back in DUKE GARETH'S OFFICE

DUKE GARETH

Your father wrote me a letter and called you

Thom.  What the hell is up?

ALANNA

Watch as I tell an unbelievable lie and get away with it.

DUKE GARETH

Ok, you're free to go.

THE STABLES

RALON

Clean my horse.

ALANNA

Over my dead body.  Go pick a fight with

someone else!

STEFAN

Hello.  I am a background character, yet I will

prove quite important later on.

GARY'S ROOMS

FRANCIS

I am unremarkable.

RAOUL

I'm looking for an excuse to kick Ralon's ass.

I like Alan, though I've had literally no one-on-one

conversations with him.

Later by THE POND

RALON

Watch as I pick a fight with Alan.

ALANNA

Get away, freak.  I hate you!

After DINNER in MYLES'S ROOMS

MYLES

You'd better toughen up before Ralon kicks your ass.

ALANNA

Stop rubbing it in my face.

Again in THE STABLES

RALON

I'm going to kick your ass.

ALANNA

No, I'm going to hit you where it hurts first.

RALON kicks ALANNA'S ASS

Later in ALANNA'S ROOMS

CORAM

Wow.  If I didn't like you, I'd be laughing.

ALANNA

Shut up and get me something for this damn black eye.

JONATHAN

Let me in.  Wow, you're hurt.

RAOUL

Can I beat him up now?  Please?

GARY

Shut up, Raoul.

ALEX

Notice how I hang out menacingly in the background.

FRANCIS

I'm a totally invisible character.

ALANNA

Shut up and go away.  This is totally embarrassing.

THE DANCING DOVE

ALANNA

Wow, we just skipped about five scenes.

RISPAH

Hello.  I act like a total whore here and hit on an eleven-year-old

who is in truth a girl.  Gross, huh?

GEORGE

God, why does everyone take advantage of me?

ALANNA

Just teach me how to kick his ass, please!!!!

GEORGE

Oh, fine.  I am, of course, only doing this because I like you.

Damn that foreshadowing again.

THE FIGHTING COURTS

ALANNA

Now that I have sufficient skills, Ralon, I'm going

to absolutely beat you to a pulp.

RALON

You suck.

ALANNA beats RALON to a pulp.

DUKE GARETH'S OFFICE

ALANNA

I seem to spend a lot of time in here.

DUKE GARETH

Alan, that was wrong.

ALANNA

Sorry, Your Grace, but it got him out of the way.

DUKE GARETH

Yes, thank the gods.

A suspicious SICKNESS called the SWEATING SICKNESS strikes.  FRANCIS dies and no one cares.  He was, after all, unremarkable.

JONATHAN'S ROOMS

ALANNA

I call on my magical powers to save you!!!

MYLES

Wow, this is so predictable.  I bet whoever sent this sickness will

become your enemy, Alan.

ALANNA

Shut up, Jonathan is dying!  I must save him!

ALANNA uses VERVAIN in the FIRE.  She sees that BLACK CITY again, and hears the VOICE OF THE GODDESS.

GODDESS

Save him!

ALANNA

That damn city again!  Now it's definitely part of the plot.

JONATHAN

Uhm, save me?!?!

ALANNA

Oh, ok, yeah, sure.  I'll save you!

Come back, Jonathan, come back!

MYLES

Wow, does Alan sound like a woman?  I bet that has

something to do with the plot!

ALANNA

No shit, Sherlock.

JONATHAN

Yay!  I'm alive!

THE PALACE COURTYARD

ROGER

I am the king's handsome sorcerer-duke nephew!

I am not at all suspicious!

ALANNA

Wow, I don't like you!  I wonder if this has something

to do with the plot!

ROGER

Absolutely.  I don't like you either!

THE CITY

ALANNA

Wow!  George found me a horse!  That was nice of him!

JONATHAN

Why am I here?

ALANNA

For plot purposes!

GEORGE

Omigod, it's the prince.  Why the hell are you here?

JONATHAN

None of your damn business, King of Thieves.

ALANNA

Wow, tension between you two already.  

I sense some major foreshadowing here.

JONATHAN

I don't get it.

ALANNA

Well, it's like, you two are fighting already.  And here

I am, in the middle of it.

GEORGE

Oh, fun.  I get it.  By the way, here's the horse.

I shall sell it to you for an insanely small price, because

I like you, and that is major foreshadowing.

ALANNA

Cool beans.  I'll call her Moonlight.

GEORGE

And for good measure, so it looks like

I sort of get along with Jonathan, here's another horse for you.

JONATHAN

Uhm, cool.  I like you, but I can sense some

definite tension here.

THE FIGHTING COURTS

SKLAW

Wow, I am a mean old man.  And Alan, you suck at fencing.

ALANNA

Yeah, me and these three other random pages.

GEOFFREY

Uhm, yeah.  Was I in the book before?

SACHERELL

Who am I?

ALANNA

Who cares?

SKLAW

Wow, you all are bad.

ALANNA'S BEDROOM

ALANNA

Wow, I'm bleeding.  Shit, I need a healer.

GEORGE'S BEDROOM

ALANNA

I'm a girl.

GEORGE

Uhm, ok.  Well, in that case, notice the sexual tension because

I'm definitely not wearing anything.

ALANNA

Yeah, this isn't foreshadowing or anything.  Anyway, I need

a friggin healer.

GEORGE

Ok, I'll take you to my mother, since, after all, this entire

scene is foreshadowing.

ELENI'S HOUSE

ELENI

Hello, I am George's benevolent mother.  I am definitely

a major plot point.

ALANNA

Anyway, yeah, so, I'm bleeding.

ELENI

Haha.  That's funny.  Anyway, now I go on

to talk about sex and pregnancy, but I'm definitely

not hinting towards anything.

ALANNA

Yeah, this is so not a reference to the future.  

Nudge, nudge; wink, wink.

MYLES'S ROOMS

MYLES

Hey, let's go check out my cool ruins!

ALANNA

Sounds like fun.

BARONY OLAU

ALANNA

Hey, look I found an ancient armory!

MYLES

There is a menacing storm on the horizon that totally has

nothing to do with where we are now.  Let's go back.

ALANNA

I shall have to disobey you.  Look, I found a sword!

MYLES

Fun.  What are you going to call it?

ALANNA

Lighting.  Since it was storming when I found it.

DUKE GARETH'S OFFICE

JONATHAN

Uncle, I want Alan to come with me and the rest of the squires

to the desert.  For plot purposes, of course.

DUKE GARETH

Ok, that's cool.  Did you know that we've all aged four years

since this book began?

PERSOPOLIS, in the DESERT

ALI MUKHTAB

Hello.  I am important to later plots, I'm not just some

random Middle Eastern man.

ALANNA

Hey, cool, it's the Black City!

JONATHAN

Let's go!  

ALANNA

But Roger told us not to!

JONATHAN

Screw him.

THE BLACK CITY

ALANNA

Wow, a city abandoned and made of black stone.  This isn't

menacing, or anything.

JONATHAN

Nice rhyme.  Hey, let's go into that glowing building!

THE TEMPLE

YSANDIR

Yo.  We're going to kill you.

ALANNA

Oh, no you're not.  Jonathan and I have mad skills!

JONATHAN

Yeah!

YSANDIR

Look, she's a girl!

ALANNA

Shit!

JONATHAN

Oh well, let's beat them up.

ALANNA and JONATHAN kill the YSANDIR rather easily.

AN OASIS

JONATHAN

Now that we are at this random oasis, I want to ask you something.

ALANNA

Huh?

JONATHAN

Will you be my squire?

ALANNA

Ok.  I think Roger's evil, by the way.

JONATHAN

No, he's just menacing and creepy.

ALANNA

Oh, ok.

JONATHAN

Notice the sexual tension here!

ALANNA

Wow, you and George are such pervs!  Wait, this is foreshadowing!

JONATHAN

There's a lot of that in this book!

THE END…Sort of

A/N: Hehehehehehehehehehe!  I borrowed the concept from Evadne, whose "Breadbox Editions" of various movies are downright hilarious.  LOL.  Ok, well, I'm going to write _In the Hand of the Goddess0--Reader's Digest Edition soon…I promise!_


	2. In the Hand of the Goddess: Reader's Dig...

In the Hand of the Goddess--Reader's Digest Edition

A dark and creepy FOREST

ALANNA

Look, Moonlight!  This storm has made me so 

crazy, I'm talking to my horse!

Oh, let's go chill under that menacing tree!

Under the menacing TREE

ALANNA

Hmm...I'm sure the fact that I feel uneasy has

absolutely nothing to do with the plot!

Enter THE GODDESS

GODDESS

Hello, Alanna.  I'm going to totally creep you out.

ALANNA

Uhm...whoa.

GODDESS

I know what you're afraid of!  I shall now proceed to

totally embarrass you and list these fears out loud.

ALANNA

That's ok...I'll pass.  By the way, what are you doing here?

GODDESS

Nothing, other than warning you about that asshole, Roger.

Here's this kick-ass ember thingy and a talking cat.

ALANNA

Uhm...thank you?

THE PALACE

JONATHAN

Fun!  A cat!  

RAOUL

Look, I actually have _lines!_

GARY

Shut up and be useful, you prat.

ALANNA

I'm going to name the cat Faithful, because it shall

become incredibly annoying and follow me everywhere.

RAOUL

Cool beans.

ALANNA

Hey, that's my line!

ROGER'S CLASSROOM

ROGER

I am totally inconspicuous.

ALANNA

Uhm, leave my cat alone, you animal molester.

ROGER

I now shall allude to the fact that I really hate you.

A BALLROOM

RAOUL

This tense situation with Tusaine gives me a chance to

stand in a corner and look intimidating.  Sweet!

DAIN

I am a vain, arrogant imbecile.

KING ROALD

Let me display my diplomatic weakness.

ROGER

I am not secretly in cahoots with the Tusaine government.

ALEX

Yet another chance for me to skulk menacingly

in the background.

JONATHAN

Because my father is such a pansy, I guess Alan 

will have to fight Dain and kick his ass for

insulting we Tortallans.

ALANNA

Despite the fact that I'm merely a squire, and he's

this full-blown knight, I definitely have to beat

him.  Plot purposes, of course.

DAIN

What a cliché.

Some random FENCING GALLERY

DUKE GARETH

I am going to unsuccessfully attempt to stop

Alan from making a fool of himself.

ALANNA

How wonderful.  I didn't know you cared.

ALEX

This is a wonderful opportunity for me to stand

menacingly in the background.

ROGER

You seem to use that word a lot.  Let me join you.

DAIN

This is a joke.

ALANNA

Shove it.

ALANNA kicks DAIN'S ASS

ROGER'S ROOMS

ROGER

Finally I get to have my scene where I ponder

about my next evil move!  Shibby!

Note the clever metaphore involving a chess set.

THE DANCING DOVE

GEORGE

Oh, do I get to be a character again?

ALANNA

Oh, stop whining.

GEORGE

Wow, I know more about you than you do!

Think that means anything?  I'm now going

to proceed to flirt with you mercilessly.

ALANNA

Stop it.  This scene makes me highly uncomfortable.

GEORGE

But that's my purpose, isn't it?  Anyway, here's

a letter from your psychotic twin brother.

ALANNA

Wow.  Uhm, ok...I forgot that I had a brother.

GEORGE

Well, that was nice of you.

ALANNA

Ok, ok.  Fine...for plot purposes, walk me back to the palace.

THE CITY

GEORGE

Since it's Jon's birthday, and I have to 

keep up this pretence that I like him, I 

got him a present.

ALANNA

Well, that was nice of you.  I think

you're jealous of him.

GEORGE

Yeah, sure.  Anyway, since this scene is a foreshadow,

I'm going to kiss you now.

GEORGE kisses ALANNA

ALANNA

I'm going to now protest that bold move

and pretend that I didn't like it.

GEORGE

Threats of violence aren't very nice.

ALANNA

You're getting on my nerves.  I'm going now.

FAITHFUL

Well, you little slut, that was wonderful.

ALANNA

Why am I talking to this cat?  Anyway,

I'm not a slut...I just act like one at times.

A BALLROOM

GARY

Doesn't my facial hair make me look manly?

ALANNA

I think it makes you look like a prick.

GARY

Just for that, I'm dragging you over to this

new court whore.

GARY drags ALANNA across THE BALLROOM

JONATHAN

What a fun birthday party.  Oh, it's Alan!

ALANNA

I hate you.

JONATHAN

This is Delia.  I think you should dance with her.

DELIA

I am the pretty, yet shrewd female character.  I will

prove to be highly dangerous later on.

ALANNA

Do I have to?

JONATHAN

Now.

ALANNA dances with DELIA

MYLES

You look pained.

ALANNA

If you had to dance with someone of the same sex, 

you would too.

MYLES

I'll just pretend I didn't notice that huge hint.

ALANNA

Cool beans.

MYLES

I hate that saying.

THE ROYAL FOREST

ALANNA

I am out in the middle of the forest with a

talking cat for no apparent reason.

FAITHFUL

I resent that.

ALANNA

Oh, wow, a random boar!  Do you think Roger

may have sent it?

FAITHFUL

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

ALANNA kills THE BOAR

ALANNA

And my suspicious grow...

A FENCING GALLERY

ALEX

Yes!  Finally, after a book and a half of skulking

mysteriously in the background, I finally get the

chance to be one hundred percent evil!

ALANNA

Even this has to be better than listening to bad poetry

Jonathan wrote to Delia.

ALEX

I'm going to kill you.

ALANNA

Hit me with your best shot.

ALEX

Don't quote Pat Benatar.

ALEX almost kills ALANNA

MYLES

Well, Alex, that wasn't very nice.

ALEX

I'm going to act totally out of character

and pretend to be concerned.

ALANNA

Thanks, but no thanks, Alex.  But my suspicions

have been confirmed.  You are a psycho!

THE DANCING DOVE

ALANNA

Funny, only a few scenes have passed, but still

it's been almost a year since you kissed me.

GEORGE

Thank you for remembering.

ALANNA

You're quite welcome.  You totally know I'm

madly in love with you.

GEORGE

You're lying.  Anyway, I now get to act like the

James Bond-incarnate that I am and be this

badass spy.

ALANNA

Thank you.  You just saved the country.

GEORGE

Don't mention it.  By the way, did I tell you

that you look really hot?

ALANNA

Don't push your luck.

MYLES'S ROOMS

MYLES

Wow.  This information is priceless.  Did 

you get it illegally?

ALANNA

Uhm...no...

MYLES

Well, that doesn't matter.  Kick ass...we get to have a war!

A RANDOM HILL

JONATHAN

Fun!  A war!

ALANNA

Shut up and pay attention.

DUKE GARETH'S HORSE goes spastic

GARY

Omigod, my father is dying!

JONATHAN

Because I'm a Type A-anal person, I'm going

to insist that you stay in line.

THE STABLES

STEFAN

I told you I'd be important.

ALANNA

Huh?

STEFAN

Someone put a burr in Duke Gareth's horse's saddle.

ALANNA

Oh, that's not suspicious.

STEFAN

Roger is now commanding.  By the way, you

have a visitor in the library.

ALANNA

Oh, gods.  This is getting so old.

THE LIBRARY

GEORGE

Hello.

ALANNA

Can you not take a _hint?_

GEORGE

Good day to you, too.  Anyway...don't

you hate Roger?

ALANNA

Yes.  Change the subject, please.

GEORGE

Fine.  I'll change it to something that makes 

you even more uncomfortable than you already are.

ALANNA

You are so low.

GEORGE

Oh, this is totally not foreshadowing, or anything.

ALANNA

Like I said...you're going to kiss me, aren't you?

GEORGE

Of course I am.  I'm the only totally sweet male

character in this book.  

GEORGE kisses ALANNA

ALANNA

Honestly...

GEORGE

Well, have fun in battle...I guess.

ALANNA

What a nice farewell.

By THE RIVER DRELL

ALANNA

How did we get here so fast?

FAITHFUL

Who cares?

ALANNA

Fun.  Ok, I'm going to make myself more sympathetic

in the reader's eyes and go hang out with the common people.

READERS

You brown noser.

Where the COMMON PEOPLE hang out

THOR

Oh, I'm so benevolet.  You all love me.

ALANNA

Uhm...ok.

JEM TANNER

Oh, I'm not totally suspicious.

ALANNA

Damn...it's like Ralon all over again!

Later...coming back from THE INFIRMARY

ALANNA

Oh, this doesn't look bad.  Me, riding with

you on a horse.

JONATHAN

Well, you don't have to be so obvious.

I mean, I know I'm handsome and all...

ALANNA

Shove it.  That's not what I meant.

Enter JEM TANNER

JEM TANNER

We Tortallans must be totally ok with homosexual 

relationships because I'm totally not commenting

on this situation.

ALANNA

You prick.

JONATHAN

Uhm...go away, you measly peasant.

JEM TANNER

Snob.

Near THOR'S WATCH STATION

ALANNA

Oh my.  Thor is not here.  I wonder where he could be?

FAITHFUL

Imbecile.  He's probably dead.

ALANNA

Omigod, there he is!  But he's barely alive!

Too bad I should so be back at the vicious battle

taking place right now.

THOR

It...was...Jem.

ALANNA

No shit, Sherlock.

THOR

Shove it, Watson.  Just make this easier for me.

ALANNA

Uhm, well, I though euthanasia was illegal, but ok.

ALANNA helps THOR die

ALANNA

I'm feeling sleepy...

ALANNA faints

ALANNA'S TENT

JONATHAN

You've been asleep three days.

ALANNA

Screw you.  It's nearly impossible to sleep that long.

JONATHAN

Ok, I guess you were in a coma.  I was worried.

ALANNA

Don't you dare...

JONATHAN kisses ALANNA

JONATHAN

Damn.  You're sexy.

FAITHFUL

Myles is coming

Enter MYLES

MYLES

I will pretend to be oblivious to whatever is 

going on in here.  Hello, Alan.

ALANNA

Yo.  What up?

MYLES

Uhm...ok...

By THE RIVER

ALANNA

I hate Roger.

FAITHFUL

That's not very nice.

ROGER

Hello.

ALANNA

Oh, hi.  What are you doing here?

ROGER

Hanging around suspiciously.  How is the watch going?

ALANNA

Not bad.

ROGER

Uhm, yeah, so, I'm now going to offer to make you my friend.

Of course I have no ulterior motives.

ALANNA

That's fine.  I'll pass.  But see ya later!

ROGER

Bitch.

Exit ROGER

Enter A HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS FOG

ALANNA

Oh, this has nothing to do with the fact that

he was just here.

FAITHFUL

Of course not.

A RANDOM MAN knocks ALANNA out

RANDOM MAN

Wow, that wasn't nice.

JEM TANNER

Shut up, fool.  Get him in the boat.

A TUSAINE HUT

ALANNA

Wow, my head hurts.

MICAH

I have to importance whatsoever.

KEEL

Yeah.  Me too.  What are we doing here?

ALANNA

Kind of like those three random pages with me

learning how to fence.  Uhm, why are we chained?

MICAH

Because, Sherlock, we're prisoners.

ALANNA

Well, I got that, but...

ALANNA picks THE LOCKS

ALANNA

Damn.  Mine are unpickable!

KEEL

Didn't see that one coming or anything.

ALANNA  
Shut up.

Enter TUSAINE PEOPLE

DUKE HILAM

I am the short, ugly little man responsible for this war.

I'm going to insult you.

ALANNA

It take two to tango.  I'll insult you right back!

JEM TANNER

I'm actually the Tusaine king's brother.

ALANNA

Well, duh.

TUSAINE CAPTAIN

This isn't nice.

DUKE HILAM

Shut up.  Now, I'm not acting through Roger or anything

trying to kill you.

ALANNA

Of course not.  Who would expect that?

Enter TORTALLANS

JONATHAN

Look, we've come to rescue you!

ALANNA

Took you long enough, didn't it?

DUKE HILAM

Damn you!

GARY

We've won the war!  Cool beans!

ALANNA

For the last time, that's my line!

ELENI'S HOUSE

ALANNA

Don't you love it how it's suddenly winter?

ELENI

Yeah, time seems to go fast in these books.  Weren't

you like, twelve when you were last here?

ALANNA

Yeah.  Well, wait...yeah, I think I was.

ELENI

Yeah, so, why are you here?

ALANNA

Well, since I'm now a teenage girl, and I've

been living like a guy for six years, I'm going to

ask you how to be a girl.

ELENI

Wow.  Your motives in this are _so_ unclear.

ALANNA

Hey, come on.  That was harsh.

A few days later, at ELENI'S HOUSE

ALANNA

Fun.  I'm wearing a dress!  Hey, I look pretty!

ELENI

Yeah, you do, but I'm not going to admit it.

ALANNA

Huh?

ELENI

Oh, you're an idiot.

ALANNA

Hey, come on!  You don't need to be so mean to me!

ELENI

This is foreshadowing.

ALANNA

Oh, that's right.  I forgot completely.

Enter JONATHAN AND GEORGE

GEORGE

Well, hello, Mother.  

ALANNA

Are you that dense?

GEORGE

Uhm...why are you wearing a dress?

JONATHAN

Since I'm acting like a pervert, I'm going to leer at you.

ALANNA

Stop it.  You're acting like such a smut.

GEORGE

See...at least I'm acting like a gentleman.

ALANNA

Yes, thank you very much.

JONATHAN

You look really sexy.

ALANNA

Shut up, you perv!

THE ROYAL FOREST

ALANNA

How did we get from Eleni's house to here?

JONATHAN

We're hunting that wolf, remember?

ALANNA

Oh yeah, I forgot.  And aren't you sleeping with Delia?

RAOUL

I have a line!

GARY

Everyone is sleeping with Delia.

ALANNA

I'm going to ride by myself now.  Omigod, it's the wolf!

ROGER

That's ok, I'll kill it!

Enter DEMON GREY

ALANNA

No, that's the wolf!  Shit!

ALANNA kills DEMON GREY

ALANNA

Wow, when I hold that ember the Goddess gave me,

Demon Grey glows orange.  Weird.

ROGER

This definitely has nothing to do with me.

ALANNA

Isn't Roger's magic orange?  Oh well, I'll ponder it later.

THE GARDENS

ALANNA

Omigod, it's all the sudden my birthday.  Wasn't it winter 

just a second ago?  Oh well...I'm going to walk around in

the garden wearing a dress because I feel like it.

JONATHAN

Hey.  Looking good, hot stuff.

ALANNA

Perv.

JONATHAN

I'm now going to proceed to try and have sex with you.

ALANNA

Eww!  Get away!

JONATHAN

Prude.  Fine, go away before I decide to rape you.

ALANNA'S ROOMS

ALANNA

Hmmm...Jonathan is kind of sexy.  Maybe I

should sleep with him.

FAITHUL

Why are you asking me?  I'm a cat.

ALANNA

I was talking to myself.  Anyway, I think I shall.

For plot purposes, of course.

ALANNA knocks on JONATHAN'S DOOR

JONATHAN

Damn, I knew you'd change your mind!

ALANNA

You are a sexy bitch, Jon.  I think I shall have to sleep

with you.

ROGER'S ROOMS

DELIA

See, I really am evil!  

ROGER

You're just a slut.  But you obviously couldn't

hold onto Jonathan.

DELIA

Stupid manwhore.  He's probably fucking Cythera 

or something.

ROGER

Get him back, you harlot, or I shall be angry.

DELIA

You're always angry.

MYLES'S ROOMS

MYLES

Well, Alan...you're acting funny.

ALANNA

It's winter.  Only two scenes ago it was spring.  And now it's

December again.

MYLES

Oh.  Ok.

ALANNA

I'm now going to proceed to accuse Roger of high treason.

MYLES

And I'm going to stay out of it.  I like my head

where it is, thank you very much.

A POND

ALEX

I'm daring Alan to ice skate on an unstable pond.

That's not highly suspicious or anything.

ALANNA

And I'm going to act like a total idiot and take the dare.

ALANNA falls through THE ICE

JONATHAN

Omigod, I'm going to almost give Alanna away!

ALEX

And I shall act politely concerned.

RAOUL

I'm actually in a scene!

GARY

Shut up, Raoul!

ALANNA

Wow, I'm almost died.  I wonder if Alex had 

anything to do with it.

FAITHFUL

Gee, ya think?  Hey, yummy, there's salt on this ice!

THE DANCING DOVE

GEORGE  
I'm not letting you go visit your brother alone.  

It's too dangerous.

ALANNA

Oh, you're worried about me.  That's so sweet!

GEORGE

Of course I'm worried about you.  I'm in love with you!

ALANNA

Well, I can't go now...Jonathan needs me.

GEORGE

Eww...you're sleeping with _him?!?!_

ALANNA

Oh, shut up.  

GEORGE

I didn't think you had that bad of taste, but

I guess I was wrong.

ALANNA

You're just saying that because you're 

in love with me and you're jealous of Jonathan.

THE CITY GATES

ALANNA

Damn you!  I was going to sneak out!

GEORGE

You can't fool me.  Haven't you gotten that?  I'm like

Jack Ryan, James Bond, and Dirk Pitt...all rolled into one.

ALANNA

Wow, what a man.  Maybe I should rethink this Jonathan

situation.

GEORGE

Now there's an intelligent though.

THE CITY OF THE GODS

SI-CHAM

Notice my Asian-inspired name.  For diversity's sake, of course.

GEORGE

How politically correct.

ALANNA

Yeah, so, can I see my brother now?

THOM'S ROOMS

THOM

Well, well, well.  If it isn't my baby sister.

ALANNA

Twin sister, actually.

THOM

Same difference.  You must be George.

GEORGE

Absolutely.  Notice the tension between us already.

By the way, "same difference" is an oxymoron.

THOM

Oh, this isn't foreshadowing or anything.  And I know

what an oxymoron is.

ALANNA

Stop with the foreshadowing!  You look different.

THOM

Did I mention I'm this crazy, megalomaniac sorcerer now?

GEORGE  
Yeah, I definitely don't like you.

ALANNA

Stop it, you two!  Honestly.

ON THE ROAD TO CORUS

GEORGE

Well, that was a short visit.  Your brother is a psycho.

ALANNA

Yeah, you've said that several times.

GEORGE

Well, it's true.  Omigod, are those men

hiding in the bushes waiting to attack us?

ALANNA

In a book like this, that would totally make sense!

ONE OF THE MEN shoots GEORGE with an arrow

GEORGE  
It's cool…I'll live.

ALANNA

Oh, shut up.  I'm getting you to a healer.

AN INN

ALANNA

Thank the gods you didn't die.

GEORGE

I didn't know you cared.

ALANNA

Of course I care.  I'm madly in love with you, but I don't

know it, remember?

GEORGE

Oh yeah, I always forget that.

THE FOREST

GARY

So, why did you ask me to go riding?

ALANNA

Well, I need you to do that thingy for my Ordeal.

Oh, yeah, and I'm a girl.

GARY

Oh, shit, that's cool.  I wonder why I never figured it out.

THE PALACE

JONATHAN

Wow.  We just skipped about six months.

ALANNA

That's ok.  We've been doing that all along.

GARY

Why couldn't we see you naked?

ALANNA

You are such a pervert.  Why didn't I just ask Raoul?

THE CHAMBER OF THE ORDEAL

ALANNA'S SUBCONSCIOUS

Well, this is funky.

THE CHAMBER

Don't call me funky, squire.  I'm about to show

you what you fear.

ALANNA'S SUBCONSCIOUS

Uhm, well, the Goddess already did that, but

what the hell?

THE CHAMBER shows ALANNA her fears

THE CHAPEL OF THE ORDEAL

ALANNA

I passed!  I'm a knight!

READERS

Like you wouldn't?

JONATHAN

Shut up, you impertinent readers.

ROGER'S ROOMS

ALANNA

I'm going to use my mad skills courtesy of George to

break into Roger's rooms.

FAITHFUL

You are so weird.

ALANNA

Hey, look, it's an image of the queen under a fountain!

That's not suspicious, or anything.  Omigod, he's

trying to kill the queen!  That's treason!

FAITHFUL

No shit, Sherlock.

ALANNA

That Sherlock thing is getting old.  So old 

I'm not even going to be pert and say "Shove it, Watson."

THE BANQUET HALL

ALANNA

Yo, King Roald.  Your nephew is trying to kill you.

ROGER

That's a lie if I've ever heard one.

ALANNA

Then obviously you haven't.  Look what I found

in your rooms!

ROGER

That's not mine!  I demand retribution for my lost reputation!

KING ROALD

Huh?

ROGER

A trial by combat, you dimwit!

KING ROALD

Oh, cool.  Fun stuff, huh?

ALANNA

Wow, he's even more of an idiot than I thought.

ALANNA'S ROOMS

THOM

Look!  I miraculously appeared!

GEORGE  
That's my job, knockoff.

JONATHAN

Oh, no…not you two.

ALANNA

Everyone, shut up.

MYLES

What did I do?

ALANNA

Oh, Myles, I'm a girl.

MYLES

Really?  How nice.

JONATHAN

I love you, Alanna.

ALANNA

That's nice, but I have to go kill your cousin now.

THE FENCING GALLERY

KING ROALD

Uhm, I guess you can begin the fight.

ROGER

Honestly, that man's idiotic.

ALANNA

I'm going to kill you.

ALANNA AND ROGER duel

ROGER rips through ALANNA'S BINDING

KING ROALD

Omigod, you're a girl!

ALANNA

How come everyone keeps saying that?  I thought we were pagan?

ROGER

We are.  It just sounds good.

KING ROALD

You have defied me.

ALANNA

So?  Your point?

ROGER

Oh, who gives?  Can we just continue with the fight please?

ALANNA

Why the hell not?

ALANNA AND ROGER continue to fight

ALANNA kills ROGER

ALANNA

Wow.  He's like, dead.

JONATHAN

Uhm…wow, we're all scared of you now.

THE CITY GATES

JONATHAN

Change your mind, Alanna.

ALANNA

No, I'm leaving.  I hate cold weather.

CORAM

Wow, I'm back!  I have lines!

RAOUL

Me too!

GARY

Uhm, yeah, we should definitely say goodbye so that

Alanna and Jon can make out.

GEORGE

Could you be a little more blunt, Gary?

RAOUL

Well, it's true!

RAOUL, GEORGE, GARY, AND CORAM leave

JONATHAN

Uhm, I love you.

ALANNA

Yeah, I guess I love you too.

ALANNA AND JON make out

JONATHAN

Come back soon.

ALANNA

Uhm, ok?  I guess…goodbye.

JONATHAN

Until the next book, then!

A/N: Hehehehehe…I was amused, anyway.


End file.
